You gave me two cents, now here’s your five!

Running late to my cousin’s baby shower and I had no idea but my sister needed a ride so I went to grab her, making me even more late. Funniest thing is the shower was right by my house and I was the last person to get there since I made the extra trip to the suburbs to drop the kiddies off and pick up my can kicking sis (just kidding sis, I loves you). Adding to the irony of me being late to a party less than a mile from my house, is that I didn’t realize the address was literally 5 houses down from a high school ex-boyfriend’s parents home–that he recently moved out of, but I’m not judging. So we get there and everyone is leaving, packing it up, etc. This is the home apparently of a friend or family member of the child’s father, the latter whom I don’t know much at all, hence these people are completely strange to me and the vibe there was pretty wild to say the least. For example, the women were all in their 40s and over (I mean waaaay over), and some had this look of disgust on their faces as we walked in and huddled up for safety with our family members (all of which were young women and very attractive if I might say so myself). Well we were enjoying our chat, when the homeowner started cleaning up around us and rushing us about by no subtle means, so we began taking pictures like anyone compelled to leave a place would do!

As expected, one of my cousin’s had difficulty taking those pictures so we had a laughable amount of do-overs, then we had to switch photographers a couple times so we could get everyone together. So our hostess who hasn’t taken her eyes off of us as she put food and garbage away, comes over hurriedly and says “I’ll take it for you, you know, so you can all get in there,” as she gives us a forced smile.

“Oh, okay,” I say, handing her the camera. So I walk over with my family and I say, TO THEM, “Wait, wait, where am I gonna go?. Guess I’ll crouch down, in my ‘gangsta pose’.”

So at that very moment when all I should have heard was an iPhone camera shudder sound effect, I, instead, heard these words of ancient wisdom:

“Oh, no! We don’t do no ‘gansta’ over here, so we’ll call it a ‘club pose'”, mentions hostess in her loudest, most soapbox preacher tone.

So, of course I wanted to say “shut the fuck up and take the picture bitch”, but this is my cousin boyfriend family or friend so I couldn’t, and she old and this her house, so I got manners, you know? But think about the logic of this? The “jail pose”, as it’s formally called in the hood, should be called the “club pose” at your house because for reasons I’m assuming related to ” your righteousness”, as you mentioned that “over here” we don’t call it that, as if, there is an “over there” that I operate in likened to hell or prison. My thoughts: So you know me now? But bitch I know where you live, do you know where I live? I live a fraction of a mile from you, so yo zipcode ain’t no better than mine IF it’s even different, number one, so over here IS over there because we are essentially neighbors.

Number two, what about the “gangsta” is worse than the “club”? Let me weigh this for a second. Gangstas are born out of a demand for jobs, youth activity, and illicit drugs. Clubs are born out of a demand for jobs, youth activity, old ass cougar and washed up pimp activity, strippers (she didn’t say what kind of club) and alcohol. Gangstas are locked up because they are found guilty of killing or committing some crime related to their occupation (mainly due to the fact that the very product they supply is illegal to cultivate, use, possess, or distribute). Club proprietors are not locked up because they can’t be found guilty of committing some crime related to their occupation (not that they don’t exist, but because the very products they supply are legal to cultivate, use, possess and distribute, no matter how many DUIs they cause or stampedes for the door after security goes all mace on everybody). However, note during Prohibition, alcohol was banned, and resulted in the rise of the “GANGSTA” as we know it, especially here in my dear sweet home Chicago, the stomping grounds of some of the biggest gangsters in history. Number three, you’re self-righteous, and I’m assuming this is religious in nature, and since we in the hood I’m assuming you are a Christian, right? Then I also assume as a Christian, you read the Bible, and that you read some part about marriage and fornication and such. So I’m sure you also yelled out loud before I got there: “I just aided and abetted the birth of a child out of wedlock, by hosting a ceremony in my home to bring gifts to him, incense and myrrh.” Right.

Moral of the story: You don’t have all the facts, so judge yourself! I’m done.

 

“The reading of all good books is like conversation with the finest men of past centuries.” – Rene Descartes

 

Great site if you refuse to vote as an idiot

Elections – Project Vote Smart
http://www.votesmart.org/elections

 

Help raise money to save youth!!

Project Hood – New Beginnings Church
http://projecthood.org/

 

Watch “Star Spangled Banner Whitney Houston” on YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/v/wupsPg5H6aE

 

Roland Martin, Homophobia and The Real Reason Why Straights, Blacks and Gays Just Don’t Seem to Mix

By Mama Kali

2012 February 9

I love football and as a woman, I find many reasons to enjoy the game, and that David Beckham H&M commercial gave me one fine, oiled and chiseled reason I will have engrained in my mind forever.  (Moment of silence.)  Ok, now that I got that out my system and took a moment to remember why I am staring at this open Word document and drooling, I can move on to the other reasons I enjoy football.  I enjoy the connection I feel with the male heterosexual world, as I do consider myself a “guy’s girl” (really nothing to brag about), but I also like to imagine myself a “girl’s girl” too.  Also, no sport to me is more “American” than football (no way are Americans as slow and boring as baseball, at least not until primetime network TV, Pepsi and Doritos have gotten to us).  The human need to love and belong is strong and apparent in every aspect of our daily lives, even when acted out in fear, which would seem to be love’s opposite as it produces misunderstandings, arguments, and hate, which could lead to violence on levels that could ultimately destroy the very world we are to love and belong to.

Now that I have gathered the strength to end that last paragraph with a preposition, let’s take note of some things that have developed since the Roland Martin’s Super Bowl “Twitter-gate”.  Here is a summary of Roland’s comments (borrowed from NPR article found here):

“Roland S. Martin is a near-incessant tweeter and Sunday night during the Super Bowl proved no exception. British soccer star David Beckham was shown during a television commercial hawking men’s underwear — in nothing but that underwear. Martin caustically tweeted twice in response, writing to urge followers to ‘smack the ish’ out of any man who was ‘hyped’ about the ad.

“Gay rights groups said the tweets were homophobic. Martin said he was making an anti-soccer crack, but he later apologized more fully on his blog. On Wednesday, CNN released a statement calling his tweets offensive and inconsistent with the channel’s values. He has been suspended from the air as a contributor indefinitely.”

Roland has since apologized and agreed to take part in activities with GLAAD to appease those outraged in the gay community and hopefully put an end to his (public) homophobia (or to keep his prominent gig at CNN, but who am I to judge?).  As I was reading other blogs on the subject I learned that Roland had made other comments that were viewed by the gay community as offensive, at least, giving one the overall convincing portrait of a chronic homophobe.  This is something that doesn’t surprise me or evoke much suspicion, because as a member of the black community, I know that we are far from overcoming the taboos of mental illness, religious freedom absent of traditional Christianity and homosexuality.  I will say with no apology that too many blacks in America in general are on the low end of the liberal thought spectrum.  Many blacks would be considered Republicans on most social issues and don’t even know it.  Most of this is the residual affects of white supremacy, racism, and a culture of blindly trying to uphold the status quo, even to the detriment of their own personal welfare, and likely that of the entire black community.  We fall in line in order to be normal, fit in and be accepted and “loved” by our oppressors and those who we see as free from our burdens.

So in staying true to the DNA structure of oppression and supremacy, the perceived winner of the “America’s-most-oppressed-social-minority” award is readily committed to the task of oppressing the up and coming, growing minority and holding our title; the new kid on the minority block is the LGBT community.  (If you want to argue that, we can do that elsewhere, but here, right now, LGBT is “the new black”.)   Now here we have, the modern day Negro–fresh off his human property status, grandfather clause, and Jim Crow laws, appeased with his public housing, affirmative action and welfare or job security, Jones’ up-keeping, and boot-licking decides to partake in the rites of oppressive passage. In no way am I going to try to compare the Black Holocaust to the plight of the gay community (not at all less significant, despite my language), because that in itself is an entirely different argument, wherein there are no winners, so it is void in my opinion, and at this moment not worth my time.  As many of the revolutionary figures of America have protested, none of us is free until all of us are free (see JFK, Martin Lut King, Malcom X, Huey Newton, Sojourner Truth, etc).  However, my brothers and sisters, particularly the “old school”, or “no school” ones, just don’t understand this vital point.

What are we really thinking?

              Let’s explore what I think are the subconscious translations of the dynamics we see expressed in relation to blacks, gays and straights.  The easiest point to make is that the LGBT community is worried about being accepted, their quality of life and inexcusable violence and discrimination against them for their lifestyle—one which harms none of us in any way on a daily basis, unless of course they started having public sexual intercourse, but that would be as disturbing to us if heterosexuals did the same.  That being said, it’s none of our business what they are doing. They are here, human and God’s creatures like the rest of us, so they deserve equal protection and rights under the law.  Done.

Now, as far as blacks go, what is our real problem, when we act out, as Roland did and as many of us do consciously or subconsciously?  Fear and jealousy.  Yes I said it.  Blacks are jealous of gays.  I’m not saying it’s right; I’m just telling you what I feel is going on in our heads.  We are jealous of all the attention they get, acceptance they seem to have been gifted (as opposed to earning it), in such short time.  Look around.  Will & Grace seemed to show up a lot faster than “The Cosby Show” or whatever equivalent TV series tried to depict us in a positive, or at least “acceptable”, light.  Also, no one knows that a gay person is gay for the most part, unless they communicate it voluntarily.  Blacks are known to be black from conception.  There is no delay to the onslaught of bigotry and institutionalized oppression.  Most blacks look at our situation as an incurable medical condition; we got an early diagnosis and still suffer as we would have had we not.  But to the average black person, the cry from the gay community is unwarranted, because the lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered person “chose” to share their minority status (they weren’t outted by their parents or physical attributes), and their late diagnosis seems to be no obstacle as it seems the LGBT “cure” is already in production, while the black “cure” for inequality is stagnant in the development stage, this despite A BLACK MAN being ELECTED to occupy the WHITE HOUSE!  And in some ways I agree with this view.  The black man has been swept under a rug (prisons, affirmative action, ghettoes, welfare, public education) and given Band Aid solutions for a profusely bleeding, gaping wound that everyone takes a chance to continue picking at, while trivializing and insisting “Oh, that’s not that bad.  Look at all the progress it’s made.”

Now as for straights folks, I may be way off, because I call myself a straight woman, though I admit (but not to my Christian black mother’s face) to having been attracted to the same sex on more than one instance, and having acted on it a couple times.  Now that I blasted my business, let me say, I understand that a straight male looks around at all the images and reminders that men are not all straight and they may be sharing a restroom or locker room with men that may be checking him out, fearing that eyeballing is only the beginning.  (BTW, if you feel this way, you can’t stop it, so get over it.  Women have had to deal with being eye-molested by straight men for ages, so if a guy is staring at your Peter in the John consider it a compliment, and payback for all your corny “hey baby” lines, put your snake away safely and get the hell out of dodge.  If the guy puts his hands on you and you fight back in self defense to prevent violation, then I can see that.  But if your friend says sometimes he dreams of Robert Pattison, I would disagree with Roland Martin, hold off on “whipping his ass”, try to help him upgrade his taste, or just be a good friend and accept him for who he is, because I’m sure he could have walked out the club on you after you got your fourth drink thrown in your face by yet another girl offended by your swag-less ass.  At least he’s helping you pick out stylish shoes.  If you can’t handle what he chooses to do absent of you, then you have issues and need to look yourself in the mirror.)

But seriously, I can see another reason straight guys found nothing wrong with Roland’s tweets:  fathers raising boys, who they want to be attracted to women as they are and maintain the life of “normalcy”, thus avoiding life as an oppressed minority, or as a black homosexual, a double minority.  Straight guys are scared of too much “gay” in the air, getting into their lungs, and by some science miracle, into their DNA structure.  Somehow, they think they are going to be hypnotized by the H&M ads and other media seeming to capitalize on “borderline homosexual erotica”.  It is a proven fact that the television and all forms of entertainment have a way of speaking to our subconscious mind and swaying our thoughts, and there is definitely too much sex in the media anyway, so guys have a point there.  However, if they see something on TV that is a little too “gay” for them, they should just turn the channel, or boycott the product or network if you feel they are pushing a sexual agenda or infringing on your rights.

As a collective, in order to move past these superficial exchanges, to make real change, we need to get educated, shun ignorance and make our voices heard (this goes for blacks who feel that our issues are not up for discussion).  Don’t just attack the “Minority of the Day”.  Attack the system, the culture, the status quo and legislation which allow this to happen.  Just as the “Occupiers” and the “99ers” have taken a stand and united with ALL who EMPATHIZE with their cause, we too should get out and protest and push legislation and unite within communities to broaden the span of their voices (see history of Civil Rights, Women’s Liberation and Gay Rights movement’s successful campaigns and notice they worked across platforms and organizations).   That’s the bottom line here.  We are all expressing ourselves, in one way or another:  be it through fear or love.  Many times, we are all fighting for the same things, but expressing it different ways.  To overcome this misunderstanding, we need to make the dialogue more productive, by not judging each other’s comments so quickly, not being overly sensitive, making no topic taboo, and having sympathetic and human exchanges as frequent as possible, at every opportunity. We can’t expect everyone to like or even accept us, but respect the freedoms of every individual. This is the only way we will dispel myths, conquer fear, hate and live up to the theme of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness that our forefathers envisioned in the “United States”. The government was founded by the people, for the people.  Same for corporations. We, the people, created the monster. And when we unite, we tell it which way to go, and to remeumber who it works for:  not the simple-minded, cold-hearted, hateful, hopeless, or fearful, but the hard-working, the honest, the vigilant, the faithful and the united.  E plurubus unum. 

 

The Blame Game-Baby Daddy/Mama Drama

I hate to keep talking about boy/girl relations, but it is just such a passionate topic, especially amongst women. So, I won’t deny myself. The other day, I spotted a headline on a certain account on MySpace asserting fathers of children are prevented from providing their children’s needs by the mothers of those children in the cases where the parents are no longer a couple. I hear this so often from black men in particular, although this is not limited to the minority community. Men of all walks of life have at some point been in a position where they felt the ex and mother of the child is using their offspring as a means to “get back” at him for moving on and possibly finding happiness in the form of a new life, career, and/or significant other. Sometimes those men have remarried (or not) and now have children with the new woman.

And on the other side, we have the women who claim he doesn’t do anything for the children, he didn’t want to be here so he can’t come back, and take on the superhero role, doing everything to provide for and protect the kids. They get frustrated and at times get depressed and do things they shouldn’t be proud of (I myself included). So I ask the questions: 1)Which way is the drama coming from, 2)who really loses and 3)what can be done to eliminate for once and for all the baby daddy/mama drama?

Where is the drama coming from?

The Baby Mama’s Drama

So you guys didn’t work it out. Maybe you should have never been involved together. You didn’t marry or you did and it ended in divorce. You probably didn’t go through couples counseling or ask the real questions that would address if you two had the “stuff” to make it, before you went ahead and procreated. I am not judging anyone, because I take on this discussion as the drama bringer and receiver. Sometimes we take things too fast, and admit it, hormones and ignorance are an integral part of why we see so many children born out of wedlock. The lack of communication and the source of so much disagreement: men and women are different in so many ways, and the immature can fall into the trappings of baby-making without proper or healthy matrimony. Yes, marriage can help, but if you marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons, then you have not helped, and will actually hurt someone. If we don’t develop good means of communicating in a relationship early on, it can develop into a toxic exchange of hatred, violence and suffering. Both sexes hardly express emotions in pure form. Men’s feelings are usually masked mostly in machismo, humor, and just sometimes avoided altogether. Women always need to feel loved and appreciated, and at times can’t express that clearly to our communication-challenged boyfriends/husbands because we want you to read our minds. Once the child entered the picture for whatever reason, things should change whether you two split or not. The focus should go from the egos and needs of the parents to the future and well-being of the child. But this doesn’t always happen.

A woman, from the moment of conception, goes through physical, mental and emotional changes. She is never the same from the moment she knows she is pregnant. Men also change, but women don’t see this. We don’t know he worries about providing, about how his father was or wasn’t and how he wants to be better, how he feels detached at times from the pregnancy or the child rearing because the mother seems to play the dominant role in child care. Also, and I’ve gotten all this from many different men firsthand, they worry they will fade to the background as the child shall demand constantly the time, attention and the nurturing of “his woman”. Possessiveness and the previously mentioned new attitudes are why so many of them act strangely according to women prenatal and postnatal, and women are planning and worrying about every detail of this new life, as well, knowing it is unacceptable for a woman not to be a great do-it-all mother.

On top of all this pressure a woman feels from the world to be the best mom regardless of conditions, she feels her man distancing, or at least feeling things he’s not explained to her. The intuition we are blessed with is a double-edged sword. If we can sense how to support him, seduce him, pleasure him, it’s great. But when we rely on intuition alone, imagination ran wild can also couple with it, causing us to seem paranoid, delusional and stressed about something he doesn’t even notice or admit happening inside of his heart and mind.

This is magnified exponentially by the fact that in these dramatic co-parenting experiences, the two lovers barely knew each other or the real truth of one another, and probably never discussed how the other would be as a parent, how their parents influence them and what it means to bring a life into the world. This sometimes casual approach to procreation has resulted in the current dismal state of our society, especially the black community, where unwed parents are cranking out the kids and the drama. Also, many of us grew up in single parent households, never seeing a healthy example of how a mother and father come together to raise a child, leaving the drama behind. We learn how to play games and mask our pain with rage. That’s why the windows got bust out your car, she calls your mom’s house to vent, she smirks at you in child support court, etc. She’s probably struggling from day to day to raise the kids, and you seem so cool about it, like you don’t have a care (whether you do or not, is another thing), and you can NEVER do enough. Yes, she hates the fact you can opt-out of daily routine, errands, late nights, crying, doctor appointments, injuries, hurt egos, playground fights, and all the other little things that add up on her plate everyday. She doesn’t have the option to walk out the door, to spend her money unwisely, to not cook dinner tonight and just go out or to her friend’s place, or even just have some alone time to think, recover and relax. And she knows you will always have those options and she won’t. And to make matters worse, some guys, not all, don’t even pay support, or do and grumble about it, as if the kids pay for themselves.

Face it guys: YOU CAN AND WILL NEVER DO ENOUGH IN THE EYES OF YOUR CHILD’S MOTHER!!! Especially if you live apart, don’t have joint custody, and she is working, providing and being the homemaker. She’s got three full time jobs, and if she’s in school four, and if you’ve got more than one child six. It’s not easy, I know. And when you see he’s hanging out, not working, not looking for work or at least can’t find it, and then makes excuses or complains about the mother’s actions, then you have the perfect storm for the baby mama’s drama.

 

here we go again…yeah that’s right…Valentine’s Day!

For some strange reason I am feeling better than ever about being alone, but the word “ALONE” is like a death sentence to many young lovers (and some old ones too), anytime of the year, and excruciatingly so on the day of love gained, drained and lost.  Yes, I am a bit cynical about the day, and the honoree—love, in all of its romantic, superficial, fizzling splendor—since I am facing another February 14^th but this time decidedly, ALONE.

Now don’t feel bad for me, because, yes, I made the choice.  I have been in a relationship with a man for the past few years and I decided to transform my life.  Now the plan was for him to be part of this “2010-is-a-new-year-and-I’m-gonna-make-moves” paradigm shift, yet, like a heard someone say, you can’t take everyone with you everywhere. 

So that being said, why are we “lonely” without our significant others, even in the case of “outgrowth”, knowing full well the relationship is on the rocks, dying slowly, bleeding from it’s most optimistic and vulnerable side?  Is it that we can’t satisfy ourselves or are too afraid so programmed to think self-gratification is unfulfilling or unattainable, so we try to make it our lover’s duty, only to be dissatisfied in them as opposed to ourselves?  And why, is this loneliness exacerbated by one day in a cold, short month?

I don’t have any real answers, just theories.  I think tradition is one of those reasons why a woman out and about alone on “THE DAY” is met with sneers and judgmental glances, and she tells her friends in relationships she’s fine and they should have fun, when inside she’s a wreck, and surrenders to a night of binge eating, drinking and/or drug use.  Seriously.  Deny it if you want, but we have all been there, unless you are one of the unlucky few who have been in a serious relationship every year Cupid rears his ugly head.  I don’t know what guys do or think really about Valentine’s Day, but I’m sure they don’t worry about the thing unless we make them, feeling pressure from their boys to “smash somethin’” and their ladies to bring on the cheesy, storybook romance and all of its props:  roses, chocolates, alcohol, dinner, movie, conversation, candlelight, moonlight, a long walk, a serenade, shit some even are expecting jewelry and engagements, despite how long you been together, how long it might last, how much it’s gonna cost, and the absence of any independent rationale. 

LADIES, STOP THINKING YOUR LIFE IS OVER IF THE MAN YOU “THINK” YOU LOVE ISN’T RIDING DOWN ON HIS WHITE HORSE TO SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR PRETTY, WHIMSICAL FEET.  Guys aren’t into that stuff unless you make it a rule.  And some guys still don’t play by the rules, so why position the heart for such a dramatic disappointment?  I’m looking at it as one day, because it is just one lonely, old, cold day.  If you got someone great and you both are happy, fulfilled and functional individuals (because you ARE a couple of individuals who just happen to know each other really, really well) do what’s feels natural and right, and leave the stigma and traditions alone.  But if you are alone, you aren’t.  You are exploring yourself, learning about your best friend, the only one you can and should always count on, the only one who knows exactly what makes you tick, smile, and bust the wettest and quickest O’s, and all this without the trying to change someone who ain’t willing to. 

Remember you can do bad all by yourself, and chances are, once you start loving and understanding yourself, you will never be alone.  And even though many sociopaths and serial criminals are loners, great minds of history were also.  Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad and any other prophets, the most eccentric and moving poets, painters, writers, scientist, etc. of human history were loners.  Surely enough, they found more love than they could have imagined FROM STRANGERS (mostly posthumously but I won’t split hairs), BY DOING THEIR LIFE’S WORK, NOT SEEKING APPROVAL AND ACCEPTANCE FROM RELATIVE FAMILIARS.  I am not afraid of waking up in my bed with myself, having breakfast with myself, going out with myself, sharing a drink with myself and living life for myself.  I could have any man I want if I tried, but I’ve discovered that I won’t get the man I deserve until I deserve him, but holding on solely for the sake of companionship and sexual pleasure is ludicrous, especially if done to save face on St. Valentines Day.  Besides, who is really gonna give a damn on February 15^th anyway?  Real love is all year round and it starts with me.